Days turned into weeks turned into months since I last shared. I begun exposing my deepest insecurities, my most private experiences and thoughts. I dreaded someone reading them, judging me, making inferences about who I am or who I was. I knew once I started I couldn’t stop and I knew once I stopped it’d be hard to start again. However it constantly weighs on my chest that the beauty I find through pain needs to be spoken, written and exposed so as hard as I find it, I can’t stop.
We left off on insecurity. A deeply insecure young couple looking to succeed. I wish I could say we worked through our insecurities and became successful and free, instead the insecurities ate at Travis until he festered a strange addiction that ended up destroying our life as we knew it. I hated watching Travis seek approval from everyone around him. He was desperate for love, affection and attention, anything to tell him that he wasn’t what he felt he was. I noticed it when we were around our senior leadership, our friends that were mentors to us and most of all his father. His voice would change slightly, more urgent, his words quick and his eye contact constant. He begged for recognition and approval and it constantly broke my heart. I knew he felt like he wasn’t good enough for his position, but I didn’t know the secret that was eating him inside.
I often woke up in the middle of the night to him on his computer and my chest would tighten. What is anyone doing in the middle of the night on the computer? Just reading he would say, not meeting my gaze, quickly shutting off windows. I wanted to believe him and I didn’t have proof of anything else, so i accepted it, I took the knots in my stomach as overreactions.
Insecurity made us feel like we couldn’t share our struggles, because we already didn’t feel like we were good enough, so how could we have real problems on top of not cutting it in life? If we knew we weren’t good enough inside, the habits that controlled us would make us failures in everything. Every time Travis and I would have a disagreement or fight Travis would say, we can’t talk to anyone about fighting, we have to appear as leaders, but what happens when you can’t be genuine about your hurts and problems is you can’t admit when you need help.
Travis needed help. We needed help as a couple, but we couldn’t admit it. What could have changed if we would have admitted it? I still need help now to make it through the trauma and pain that has happened since his arrest and I have no choice but to admit it. When people start digging deep into my story about why I would be across the world from the girl’s father alone, I just admit what happened, because it’s not going to define who I am as a person if I don’t let it.
We can’t forget where beauty grows. It grows in interesting places. It grows in pain and heartache, but it can’t grow when we cover it with plastic, fake feelings or, a facade.
Recently a friend from the US came to visit. I met him and some of his friends at the beach and they were talking about an upcoming skydiving trip they had planned, urging each other to make a commitment to it. One of the girls enthusiastically stated, “You guys we have to do this, if we don’t go skydiving what are we going to do with out lives?”. The rest of the group blindly agreed. My heart shattered and tears came to my eyes so quick I had to walk away, because we all have so much more to do with our lives. Our lives are worth so much more than a thrill or hobby alone.
Through each heartache and pain we have the opportunity to make the world a more beautiful place. If we can release our insecurity, realize we were forever created for a purpose our lives will represent the beauty of love, forgiveness and healing.
Young girl, I might never see you again, but I want you to know your life is worth so much more. Perhaps I should have given up when my whole world collapsed, I’m sure no one would have blamed me, but I believe my life is worth many more things than my pain. I believe that there is beauty to be found.
I missed being here and opening up and I am continually thankful to those of you that have joined my journey, we have only just begun.